Just Another Face in the Crowd?

A new study reveals speed dating may bring judgement to a grinding halt

A new study out of the University of Edinburgh offers some unnerving insight into the world of speed dating. Apparently, when faced with an overwhelming number of potential partners, people often resort to flawed systems of judgement.

“In smaller groups . . . people trade off different qualities in prospective mates - physical attractiveness for intelligence, for example. Faced with too much choice, however, we resort to crude approaches such as choosing solely on looks.”

In fact, the researchers found that, “as the size of the group grew, the offers became skewed towards just a few individuals, while the least popular ended up with fewer or no offers.”

NewScientist has the whole story here

So, if this is true of speed dating events with groups between, say 10 and 30 people, one has to wonder what kind of cut-throat standards most of us rely on to scope out possible dates in crowded pubs, clubs, and even on the street. And for that matter, how many times do we end up asking out people who ultimately fall short of our expectations?

A nasty side effect of living on an increasingly crowded Earth is the fact that we can often feel like lonely strangers in herds of thousands. It’s no wonder people turn to events like speed dating to jump start their love lives. But why make the extra effort if you’re still going to end up as just another face in the crowd?

Handsome or plain, who wants to be sized up by looks alone? Such superficial standards are always a setback for real romance. Plus, more often than not, singles who harbour crystal clear images of their ideal mate are the same saps that end up falling for the wrong people over and over.

The right approach? Whatever feels real. If you want to be judged on the content of your character, judge others with the same standards. Avoid situations that make you feel like an item up for auction, and opt for any chance to engage in honest, one-on-one conversation. If you’re really ready to get serious about making that special connection, consider letting a TopMatch expert introduce you to the kind of sincere singles you’ve been looking for.

Ask a TopMatchmaker

I've been seeing this man for a bit - a month or so. Anyhow, he seems really hesitant to even call us 'dating.’ Is that rather odd? It seems to me that we are, in fact, dating and I'm wondering if this indicates a real fear of commitment on his part. We get along great, and he seems very keen on me . . . so what's the problem?
-Sarah, Sheffield

Well Sarah, it seems like you two may simply have different definitions of the term “dating.” Commitment looks a little different to every individual, and it’s my opinion that we do ourselves a great disservice in neglecting to recognise this.

For instance, I have a mate who recently encountered a very similar situation. She was dating a new man, and failing to get a read on his level of commitment to the relationship, she was nearly prepared to scrap the whole affair. Thankfully, she took the alternate route and chose to gently approach him on the issue. Turns out the bloke considered ‘dating’ to be synonymous with a long term, committed relationship. “Ah, well,” she stumbled, “I’m not sure I’m quite ready to call it that!” Whilst my friend enjoyed this gentleman’s company, she was merely hoping for him to admit a requited enthusiastic attraction. Consequently, they’ve since started dating exclusively.

Perhaps your gentleman is not of the exact same mind, but you must be open to the fact that even if your terminology isn’t congruent, your attraction very well might be. I suggest you enjoy the journey together and fret less over labels. Of course you know what you need in a relationship to be happy, so if you deem it best to lay all cards on the table, just be honest and understanding. It sounds to me like you two have a happy future in store.

Good luck and happy dating!

Need advice? Post your dating dilemmas in the comments of any post. We’re here to help you in every stage of your road to romance.

Top Five Reasons to Avoid Dating a Co-Worker

Today, more and more of us are expected to work longer and longer hours. How exhausting! With so little time to socialise, it can be difficult to meet new people. Still, there can be major consequences to dating a colleague, so if you’re single and starting to think that your only chance at love is in the office, think about this:

1. HR. Your company may or may not have stringent HR policies regarding inner-office relationships, but there are probably at least some pretty strong preferences about them. Many companies ask that you at least disclose office romances in writing, which can be awkward for everyone involved. Keeping it quiet can be tricky (management has eyes and ears everywhere and can easily access your company e-mail) and even a clandestine relationship can go public after a messy break up. If things ever go sour you may also end up contending with sexual harassment charges.

2. Professionalism. This gets especially tricky if you or your partner outranks the other. Prepare to be accused of leveraging your relationship or playing favourites. Even if there is no shift in your professional intentions, it’s difficult to keep your heart and head from influencing one another and even if you don’t cross any lines, people will still gossip. If you want to be seen as a focused professional, you’ll want to keep your love life off the clock.

3. Distraction. Being consumed by love is a priceless feeling, but in the workplace it can cost you a lot. If time is money than every moment you spend flirting in the break room or composing doting e-mails is a loss for you and your employer.

4. Private space. You may not see your office as a home away from home, but ultimately it’s a big part of your life. Having your own identity within that office is important, and for many people it is a place to prove personal strengths independently. Inner-office dating can sometimes inhibit individual professional growth.

5. Separation of job and personal life. Ideally, your perfect partner will listen to you vent about a hard day at the office and provide comfort when you are stressed. Having someone who can totally take your mind off of work and your professional duties makes each day a bit sweeter, but if your partner is also a colleague you’ll have a hard time ever mentally vacating the office.

If you’re serious about finding real love with no corporate strings, think about taking a proactive approach with TopMatch.

Happy Dating!

What Makes a Match?

Part art, part science, matchmaking is a process that relies as much on feeling as it does on fact. So what exactly makes a perfect pair? It's a question we hear a lot at TopMatch and as you may imagine, there simply isn't an easy answer. Call it chemistry or "that special something," this is the one factor that can rarely be predicted and is impossible to manufacture, and it's typically what makes or breaks a great love. And, whilst we can't promise eternal romance on every introduction, we know the trends of attraction and compatibility front-to-back, inside out, and upside down. So if you're looking for the perfect partner, here are some expert tips:

Opposites may attract, but exact opposites just attract conflict. Ideally you're perfect partner won't also be your sparring partner. Disagreements are natural, and there's nothing better than a partner who can challenge you to grow, but without certain similarities, mutual respect can be hard to find. We build respect on common ground, which can be found in shared passions, ideals, or philosophies. It's fine to bicker over the radio dial or movie choice, but opposing values can ruin more than a single date.

For the most part, lifestyle matters. Background, education, and income don't have to be deal-breakers, but the more similar a couple's lifestyles, the less adjusting has to take place. If you're ideal evening includes a thick book and red wine, you may end up compromising too often if your partner likes loud clubs and loaded cocktails. Try new things, just don't date someone whose lifestyle tries your patience.

It's just fine to admit attraction is important. Romantic relationships need a healthy helping of physical attraction. Even if the initial attraction isn't overwhelming it's perfectly possible for physical attraction to grow from emotional attraction. However, forcing an attraction almost always ends in disappointment. That's why it's best to be honest with yourself from the start and admit that some relationships are best left in the platonic stages.

Happy Dating!

One Moment to Steal a Heart

Want to make a flawless first impression?

It only takes a mere moment to evaluate your date—appearance, posture, and attitude can speak volumes. Of course in that moment, you are sending off signals of your own. Whilst first impressions aren’t always accurate, they certainly do last and often make or break the overall success of a first date.

Making a great first impression is as simple as being prepared. If you show up on time, looking and feeling good, you’ll be halfway to victory. Punctuality and smart attire prove that you view the occasion as important and demonstrate a sense of responsibility.

To really make an impact, try turning up the charm. This doesn’t require any tired lines or expensive drinks, only that you try your best to make your date feel appreciated. Look for a sincere compliment to deliver that is not based on a physical attribute and be a great listener. Act as if you are speaking to a friend with whom you already have a sense of rapport—don’t pretend to be anyone but yourself.

Honesty and positivity will never let you down. Even if you disagree with your date, a positive attitude will foster an atmosphere of mutual respect. Don’t worry about being right, just focus on learning about one another. Complaining about your job, the food, or people you’ve dated in the past will only make you seem high maintenance.

Say your date’s name a few times throughout the evening. Most people take it as a huge compliment to be addressed by name in our increasingly anonymous society. Be careful though! Dropping the wrong name could very well undermine even the best first impression.

Happy Dating!

Dating on a Shoestring

As long as your heart is made of gold, your pocketbook doesn’t have to be. Here are some fun date ideas for anyone watching their spending.

Movie Marathon

With the right snacks and comfy seating, a movie marathon can be a splendid way to get to know someone. Alternate between personal favourites to get a sense of your date’s taste and show off your own. Suitable for any season, the Movie Marathon can be enhanced with cocoa and holiday classics, or candy corn and slasher flicks.

Picnic

Weather permitting; a picnic can be far more romantic than a five-course meal from an overpriced menu. Wine and a sunset view invoke timeless romance, but don’t fret if you get rained out. You can always put on an indoor picnic with a big blanket and lots of glowing candles.

Free Museum Days

Most museums offer discount or free admission on special days and great art can be the perfect inspiration for great love. Also look out for gallery openings and artist’s receptions that are frequently free (and that includes champagne)!

Cooking Together

Even if you’re not a whiz in the kitchen, cooking a meal together can be a wonderful way to bond. Ask your date to bring a favourite recipe to share and offer to whip up a dessert you know you can handle. Blend sincere compliments with an easygoing attitude to yield a good glimpse of domestic bliss.

Potlucks with Friends and Family

If you’ve already been out on a few successful dates, consider attending or hosting a potluck with some friends or family. Introducing your date to the special people in your life will prove that you’re serious about the relationship and give you the chance to see how everyone gets on together.

Cheap Seats

Theatres often provide free tickets to anyone willing to show up an hour or two early to usher. Whilst unpaid labour may not seem romantic, it can be fun if your companion is an arts supporter who loves to volunteer. You can also get tickets for next-to-nothing by attending closing matinee or weekday showings.

Dying to try out some of these ideas? Start meeting new people NOW with a TopMatch Membership!

Convenient at a Cost: The Personal Price of Almost-Blind Online Dating

Nothing beats the convenience of online dating, right? But what about the security? If you’ve ever browsed the profiles of traditional online dating networks, you’ve probably been amazed at the number of single, attractive, captivating people committed to finding love. Then again, if you’ve ever accepted a date with one of these virtual Helens or Adonises, you’ve likely had a rude awakening to the reality of online dating: people lie. Call it fudging, stretching the truth, or personal optimism, but any way you spin it, you can’t be too cautious when looking for love online.

Here’s what to watch out for:

The best of intentions? When it comes to defining romance, every individual has his or her own take. Unfortunately, it can be hard to gauge what kind of relationship people are looking for by just glancing at a profile. Someone looking for long-term love may pretend to be more flexible so as not to scare off any prospects, whilst someone looking for a night or two of companionship may act a bit more serious so as not to offend. Of course, someone seeking a fling is certainly not the worst of it, as it’s also possible for a virtual dreamboat to be nothing more than a con artist.

Describe yourself . . . If you’ve ever listened to a mate whine about her figure or gloat about her intelligence, you know that most people have a hard time seeing themselves objectively. Describing yourself for an online profile is never easy, even if you have every intention of being honest. That’s why trying to sift through delusional profiles can be a pretty fruitless chore. If someone admits to being quirky, does it mean they like obscure foreign sci-fi films, or are they a full-on space case? How about assertive? Does that make them a go-getter or a total hot head? Is it worth finding out?

You’re how old? You can’t put an age on romance, but you can’t put much faith in people who lie about their age either. Unless your potential partner is holding up a current newspaper in their profile picture, don’t be too sure that the snapshot (or the age listed below it) is current.

Beware of Photoshop! Lighting, makeup, and composition can do a lot to flatter in photos, and now with modern technology there’s nothing about a picture that can’t be changed at the click of a mouse. Wrinkles and extra inches can be dissolved instantly whilst hair, dimples, and desired curves can magically appear. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but there’s no guarantee any of them will be accurate.

Single – it’s not a grey area. Being unhappily married or newly separated is not, and never will be, the same thing as single. If it’s too complicated to be straightforward, it’s probably to complicate to involve someone else. If a relationship status ever seems questionable, just say sayonara.

At TopMatch, we applaud anyone smart enough to get proactive in the search for love, but we want you to be safe. That’s why we personally meet with and identify every potential Member – we work with Members to write profiles that are appealing and always accurate. If you’ve had enough with the online dating lottery, why not schedule a free consultation?

Happy Dating!

Too choosy? Take our quiz to find out!

We all deserve to be happy in love, but do you ever wonder if you’re getting in your own way on the road to romance? It’s perfectly natural to be choosy, especially when looking for the real deal. But when does choosy cross into the territory of simply self-defeating? Answer True or False to the questions below and find out.

1. Have you ever broken off a relationship or refused a date solely on the basis that you thought you might be able to do better?

2. Does your idea of Mr. or Mrs. Right include rather specific details like height, income, or favourite football team?

3. Do you turn down more dates than you accept?

4. Will a bad first impression usually put you off of someone permanently?

5. On a first date, are you more likely to remember your date’s horrible wardrobe than your date’s wonderful smile?

6. Do you need more than one hand to count up all your relationship deal-breakers (inflexible standards)?

7. Do you tend to hold a grudge?

8. Have you ever dumped someone simply out of the fear that he or she might dump you first?

9. Do you think you worry a bit much about what others will think of the people you date?

10. Do you often wish your life was more like a movie?

Now give yourself 1 point for every time you answered True.

7-10 Determined Dreamer
You love yourself enough to hope for the best, but have you ever stopped to think you may be missing out? Unless you can say you’re 100% happy with everything about yourself, don’t expect sheer perfection from the people that you meet. Turning down a date with someone nice likely means you’re also turning down a chance to grow. Your determination and high standards probably mean you’ve got a lot of passion to share, so be a bit more flexible and you’ll start to see that opportunity is all around.

4-6 Awaiting Excellence
You may have high standards, but you possess the good judgement to see the chance of a lifetime when it stands before you. Just remember, in real life there’s no instrumental motif to signal when your true love has entered the room. Follow your instincts, but always try to see what makes a person unique. Keep your heart open by seeing the best in others and giving them the chance to see all the wonderful things about you too!

0-3 Merry Mingler
You understand that high standards and an open mind aren’t mutually exclusive. By focusing on what you want in a relationship, rather than in a person, you have a much better sense of how to find lasting love. Too often we keep dating the same kinds of people, even when we know they really aren’t good for us. Lasting partners complement one another as a team, and sometimes it’s hard to predict exactly who will bring out the best in you. Your can-date attitude is something most of us could do with a lot more of.

Now that you’ve put your attitude in check, consider getting really proactive by scheduling a free TopMatch Consultation!

Personal MatchMaking on the rise as Online Dating falters

Online dating may be past its prime, but the Internet may still hold the key to the perfect singles solution!

If you’ve been considering a TopMatch Membership, consider this: whilst many companies are struggling to stay afloat due to the volatile state of our economy, TopMatch is growing rapidly. That’s because our service was developed with singles in mind. We wanted a real solution for real people, and as they say, the proof is in the pudding.

In its infancy, online dating expanded explosively as people were dazzled by its convenience. According to Jupiter Media Metrics, in 2006 visitors to online dating sites increased by 57%, towering over the reported 22% overall growth of the Internet. However, as the number of Internet users has grown steadily each year, the number of mainstream online dating site memberships has stagnated, meaning that proportionally the numbers aren’t what they used to be.

Lots of people have bad experiences with online dating - many report anxiety over flawed security measures, which is particularly troublesome in an increasingly insecure society - and the stories spread. Low success rates overall raise eyebrows about the effectiveness of the services. Unfortunately, vast pools of members are rarely, if ever, evaluated or monitored by human eyes. The unique opportunity for people to pretend they are somebody they're not, leads to misuse by the more unsavoury members of society, causing distress to many users.

What people want is real support - real results. In fact, the traditional matchmaking business is on an upswing, according to a report by the Marketdata Enterprises. The popularity of online dating seems to have drowned out the stigma formerly attached to seeking assisted introductions, and genuine and professional matchmakers can offer a personal touch that most online dating networks can’t get near.

At TopMatch, we saw an easy solution. You get the best of both worlds - the convenience of internet dating technology but with the security, quality and personal touch you'd expect from a high-end introduction agency - all at prices far less than online sites charge.

Our company is built on the founding idea that everyone should be able to afford a convenient, secure, and highly effective singles solution. Perhaps that’s why, whilst many online dating services have reached a dead end, TopMatch is now operating through a dedicated network of Franchisees in 5 countries and growing.

Ask a Top Matchmaker

The conventional wisdom says never to discuss politics, religion, or finances if you want to keep the peace on a first date. Personally, I find strong opinions and spirited discussion to be a turn-on. Must I really avoid these subjects like the plague?

-V in Manchester

Excellent question V. While it’s true that too-strong opinions may make you seem stubborn or abrasive, this trinity of taboos seems a bit outdated. Certainly a lot depends on your expectations, but if you are looking for long-term commitment, these issues will come up along the way. When they do, hopefully you’ll be comfortable and confident enough to speak earnestly, and listen sensitively.

In my experience, there are three far dodgier topics that can do some fairly catastrophic first-date damage: exes, sex, and major complaints. By bringing up an ex (or five), you’re either going to come off as bitter or still hung up on a former flame. Sex, regardless of how relevant is seems in your mind, is rarely appropriate to discuss over a cheese plate. Premature pillow talk can make your date profoundly uncomfortable and will almost certainly make you look ignobly preoccupied. Lastly, filing major complaints about your job, friends, or lifestyle with your date won’t do anything to address your grievances. Complainers are typically difficult-to-please, self-involved, and not very fun to be around.

That said, there are plenty of interesting, safe things to talk about on a first date. If you are politically minded, current events can be a safe way of testing intellectual compatibility. So long as you don’t prod or quiz your date, a little headline recap can be good for sparking a connection. Arts and culture is a great way to go—from Wagner to Winehouse, there’s something for everyone. Favourite travel destinations, hobbies, and future goals are perfect discussions for finding common ground, and asking about friends and family will usually win you sensitivity points. Stay alert and interested, and even the biggest faux pas won’t derail your date.

Need advice? Post your question in the Dating Blog comments!