The First Date

People often ask how they should act on a first date. What should they say? What should they avoid?

The truth is that every date is different – because we are all different – but there are some fundamental truths that you should always bear in mind.

There is little point in pretending to be something, or someone, that you are not. If the relationship is going to last beyond the first date it has to be because he or she likes YOU. So be yourself. Be the polite, charming and eloquent version of yourself – but don’t lie about your past or your present. If the relationship grows you’ll be found out.

It’s a cliché – but first impressions do count. So….

Don’t be late.. If something crops up that is beyond your control – call. Whatever your mother told you ladies - on a first date there is no such thing as “fashionably late”.


What you wear is always tricky – especially for women. Be careful not to over-dress or under-dress. Make sure you know the venue, find out what the acceptable / expected dress code is.

Don’t drink too much. Being drunk is rarely an attractive feature and drinking too much will always give the wrong impression.

Listen more than you talk. Talking non-stop about yourself is one of the most common mistakes on a first date.

We all get nervous – and sometimes that can make us talk too much to fill the awkward gaps in the conversation. But avoid it.

Fill the gaps by asking your date to tell you about them. Listen. Be interested. And see if you have anything in common that you can build on.

Do not discuss previous relationships. If your date asks about them be brief. Never be critical or disrespectful about previous partners at this stage – however you may feel about them.

Mobile phones can be a curse as well as a blessing. Turn your phone off. Or at worst put it on to vibrate. Do not take calls. Do not read or respond to texts. Your date should be the most important person in the room. If you have no option but to take a business call tell your date in advance that you are expecting it. Apologise before and after the call. And keep it brief.


Compliment your date. Don’t overdo it, but pay them a simple and genuine compliment.

Don’t talk about money. It doesn’t matter, on this occasion, whether you have it or not. It’s never a good subject to discuss on a first date.

Don’t be rude to anyone. Whether it’s the staff at the restaurant or cinema. A work colleague you bump into. A friend. Be nice to everyone. Don’t be rude or sarcastic – even in jest.


Don’t build the date or the relationship up in your head too much. It’s a first date. Don’t go into it thinking that this MUST be the one. Don’t go into it thinking it’s destined to be a failure.

It’s a first date. No More. No Less. Relax, enjoy it and see where it takes you.

At the beginning I said that first impressions count – and they do. However I am now going to completely contradict myself.

It is natural to be nervous on a first date- more so if you have not dated for a while. Your date will be feeling the same. So bear that in mind. Don’t be too quick to judge. Don’t rush to conclusions. Give them a chance.

There’s not much here that’s not common sense. There is certainly nothing complicated.
So bear it all in mind. Don’t get too hung up on it.

And enjoy the date!


Robbie Burns

How To Meet Your Perfect Match

How do you meet someone you can trust and are genuinely interested in? And once you find them – how do you increase your chances of making that new relationship a success?


Obviously we are going to say that becoming a member of TopMatch is the best possible start. But even we would have to admit that there’s a little more to it than that.

What About You?

As corny as it sounds – the first step is knowing yourself. You have to be clear on your life and relationship goals.


Only when you have those goals and values clear in your own mind can you look for someone who shares them.


What Does Your Ideal Relationship Look Like?


You also have to establish what you want, and what you need, from a relationship.

What would make you happy?

Is it companionship? Romance? Security? Excitement? Passion?

We’ve known many people who have broken up after a number of months because they realised that they wanted different things.

Sometimes one partner realises that they do not want someone who has children from a previous relationship. Sometimes it has been because their salaries or their careers are too far apart. Things that they did not consider at the outset suddenly become major obstacles to a long-term relationship, but they only realise this after already having invested a great deal of time and energy into it.


So make sure you take the time up front to think about what you are looking for.


Be Honest.

There is generally nothing that upsets people more than dishonesty.


It’s the one sure way to turn a good relationship bad.

We might not always like what people tell us when they are being honest – but we do value it. Sometimes it is not easy to tell someone what we honestly think – but it is almost always better than the alternative.

If you want a relationship to last – indeed if you want to even make it to a second date – honesty is vital.


Face Potential Issues Early On.

If you are starting out in a relationship and you can see potential issues – don’t ignore them. Don’t bury your head and hope that they will go away. And never assume that, over time, you will change your partner’s mind.

If you discover that your partner does not want to have children or that they do not want to retire to Brittany, face up to it as early as you can.

If you don’t, you risk a lot of heartache and a lot of wasted time.

If you do, and if the relationship has genuine potential, you might just find a compromise.

But the longer you leave it, the bigger the issue will become, and the less likely it is that you will find that compromise.

Don’t Get Physical Too Soon.

At the risk of sounding like your father..

I have often had discussions with people who have become too physically involved too quickly – and regretted it.

In some cases the regret was because they enjoyed the physical aspects but they knew deep down that there was no future in the relationship. In some cases the regret was because it made them feel committed before they were ready for that. Sometimes they felt pressured and were not ready for a physical relationship.


So again – trying not to sound like your father.. it’s important to get to know your partner first – this will always be the foundation for your perfect match.

Make sure that you have the same values and goals. And then, if it turns out that the relationship is not the right one for you – you can part amicably and still remain friends.

And if you have indeed found your perfect partner – then it will be worth the wait.

robert burns

Anxiety Can Destroy Relationships … Or It Can Bring You Together

We’ve all been around someone who is anxious, worrisome, or having a particularly bad day? These people can be difficult to be around. They’re very good at elevating simple disagreements into serious arguments.

This is especially common in dating and marriage relationships, where the two people know each other particularly well. When one person is having a bad day, it’s easy to take it out on the other person.

If you find yourself in the same room as someone who is anxious or having a bad day, should you run away? Or is there something you can do to help them out?

Often, all it takes for you to help that person is to give them a good word. What is a good word? Well, it can be as simple as saying, “I’ve been thinking about you.” Or you can give a word of encouragement. Better yet, sit and listen to them. Sometimes all people need is someone to talk to for a little bit. Your few words won’t mean nearly as much as your willingness to give them a little time.

If you don’t know what word or words to use, think about what anxiety is – it’s an emotional response to a perceived danger. It’s fear of some problem or calamity coming against us. So if someone is anxious, they think something bad is about to happen. The reason they are anxious is because they have a natural desire to protect themselves from that danger.

Many times there’s also a sense of discouragement or a lack of confidence. When that’s the case, a word of encouragement can go a long way. Even better, remind them of a time in the past when they overcame a similar problem. Then encourage them to think about that for a little while. Simply thinking about past successes can encourage someone who is anxious.

As I said earlier, anxiety is a response. There’s nothing wrong with the underlying emotions. The problem is the response to the situation. In most cases of anxiety, the emotions have taken over and the person isn’t thinking. And when they’re not thinking, they’re not problem solving. So they inevitably make poor decisions and end up doing themselves more harm than good.

If you’re in a position where a friend, family member, or significant other is anxious, a good word is something that will help them respond properly to the situation. They may still have fear or other emotions, but you can help them think. Usually the best way to do that is through a series of questions that help them come up with their own answers. Telling them what to do will come across as preaching at them or scolding.

But if you can ask questions about the situation where the answers lead the person to the right conclusion, you encourage them to think and come up with the response on their own. You essentially help them come up with the solution to the problem. Anxiety weighs us down because it destroys our hope. But asking the right questions, or saying a good word can restore that hope and make the heart glad.

(Steve Kroening is the publisher of http://www.wisdomsedge.com/)

Can’t Figure Out Your Boyfriend? – Maybe This Will Help

Does your boyfriend baffle you?

Join the club.

Most women, as skillful as they are at relationships, just sit in amazement at some of the things their boyfriends do. Well, maybe this will help. What follows is a translation guide that will help you understand your man. The next time he says one of these typical “guy lines,” you’ll know exactly what’s going on.

* "I'm going fishing." What this really means is: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

* "It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

* "Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

* "Uh-huh. Yes, dear." Really means: “Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.”

* "It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

* "We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

* "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

* "That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"

* "I've got reasons for what I'm doing." Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

* "I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm clueless."

* "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means: "I’m used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

* "You look terrific." Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

* "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

OK, so there’s not a lot of wisdom there – at least not from a guy’s perspective. But hopefully, it’ll give you some laughs.

Quoted from “What He Says – What He Means,” Laugh of the Day e-newsletter, http://www.crosswalk.com/, 12/02/2006.

(Steve Kroening is the publisher of www.wisdomsedge.com)

The Question That Can Radically Change Your Relationships

What if I told you there’s one simple question you can ask your significant other every day that would completely change your relationship for the better? If you’re relationship is lukewarm at best, asking your significant other this question could add new life and vitality to your relationship.

Just imagine what would happen if you came walking through the door after returning from a tough day at work and after the usual greetings, your significant other asked you this, “Honey, what can I do for you that would make your day?”

Then, once you picked your jaw up off the floor, imagine being able to tell him that one thing that would make your day better – and then seeing him drop everything to do it.

Imagine how incredible it would be to have your significant other call you at the office and ask, “Honey, what can I do for you that would make your day?”

The trouble with this question is that it’s simple to ask, but sometimes following through on the request is difficult. If you ask the question, they could ask you to do that one thing you dread more than anything else. Or they could ask you to do something that’s not very pleasant, it may hurt you, or it might ruin your day to do it. It might cause you to be vulnerable in ways you don’t want to consider.

But imagine how they will feel when you’ve done it. Just today, I asked my spouse this question. She was gentle with me and said, “Oh, I just love it when you take care of the kids so I can take a shower in peace.” So guess what I’m doing tonight? You got it, playing with the kids. Now, not only do I get the joy of playing with the kids, but I also get the joy of knowing that my wife is happy too.

Before you ask, make sure your mind is set on doing whatever they ask, no matter how hard it is for you. Obviously, don’t do anything that goes against your conscience or core beliefs. But, otherwise, it’s a great test to see how willing you are to serve someone else.

One final note: Don’t give the other person a guilt trip for telling you what will make their day. Don’t say, “OK, I’ll do it if you really want me to.” Just do it with a cheerful heart. After all, you asked for it.

(Steve Kroening is the publisher of http://www.wisdomsedge.com/

A Characteristic Many People Overlook When Searching for a Spouse

When singles evaluate potential mates, they often look at core beliefs, family relationships, background, appearance, interests, chemistry and even income level. All of these are vital ingredients in marriage. But I’ve seen many singles find everything they’re looking for in a spouse, but overlook one very important characteristic.

It’s really unfortunate because this characteristic is so telling of how the person will react to circumstances once they’re married. It’s a characteristic that’s easy to spot if you know to look for it.

The characteristic is kindness. Now, you would think most people would look for this in a relationship and they typically do. However, they often don’t look beyond their own relationship. Of course the person is nice to you – they’re interested in you. They want something from you.

But the key to the kindness characteristic isn’t how nice the person is to you. It isn’t even how nice they are to their family or their friends. The key is this: How kind are they to everyone. Are they kind to their co-workers or employees? Are they kind to cashiers? Are they kind to children? Are they kind to people they’ve never met?

Here’s why this is so important – when life gets hard, the real heart of a person comes out. If kindness isn’t a real heart condition, then you can be sure you will see the real heart condition after you’re married.

I know several people who are married to people they thought were great people when they were dating. But once they got married, the real lack of kindness comes out daily. Their marriage is miserable. In many cases, there's abuse (verbal, physical, and even sexual). All because they didn’t want to look outside of their relationship when they were dating. The warning signs were there. But they refused to believe it.

If you want to have a great marriage, kindness has to be at the core of both hearts. Just as you want to know that your mate is kind, they want to know the same thing. So make sure you’re kind before you expect it from others. Your kindness tells your potential spouse that you’re going to be kind no matter what comes your way.

(Steve Kroening is the publisher of http://www.wisdomsedge.com/)

5 Ways to Show Total Confidence on a Date

Confidence is tricky. Having too little makes you seem needy and high maintenance, but having too much can come off as arrogant and self-absorbed. Healthy confidence means loving oneself while admitting that there is always room for growth, and meeting someone who exemplifies this is attractive to anybody.

Though developing genuine confidence can take time, here are 5 ways to act and be more confident on a date.

1) Dress to flatter a feature, not conceal one. Don’t obsess over hiding a blemish with too much makeup or a bald spot with a cap, instead, choose one of your best features and play it up on dates. Complement bright eyes with a colourful sweater or nice arms with short sleeves. Focusing on what you have to offer will give you a boost of personal strength that will last all night.

2) Ask questions that you don’t mind answering. Often on dates, once we answer a question, we turn it around and ask our date to answer as well. Don’t expect your date to reveal anything you can’t comfortably talk about at this point in your relationship.

3) Make eye contact. If this is difficult for you, practice with friends and colleagues the week prior to your date. Maintaining eye contact naturally (don’t stare unflinchingly) will make you seem strong and present in any situation.

4) Show interest in your date. Displaying genuine curiosity about your date and his or her interests proves you’re comfortable listening and learning. A person who constantly needs to promote him or herself often comes off as extremely insecure.

5) Be flexible. Showing the ability to compromise and adapt on both big and little decisions shows you’re secure enough to go with the flow. If you can find a way to have fun in any situation, all types of people will enjoy spending time in your company.

Happy Dating!

Online Dating Tips: Profile Picture

New to online dating? Whether posting your picture makes you feel nervous, excited, or a little shy, it will almost surely improve your odds of standing out and getting noticed online. At TopMatch, our professionals take a current, quality photograph of every client to help spark real life connections in our virtual database. Whether you’re click-starting your love life with us, or another service, these tips are sure to help you take your best shot.

Don’t Opt Out

You may feel hesitant about posting your photo, especially if you are hoping to start a deep, committed relationship based on true compatibility. But seeing your photo will help humanize you to potential partners and allow them to experience the initial sparks of attraction.

Make it Accurate

The biggest mistake singles make with online dating is trying to conceal unflattering truths. Nobody is flawless and nobody honestly expects perfection. Using outdated, doctored, or cleverly cropped photos may seem to help you initially, but in the long run, many people will see a deceptive photo as a breach in trust.

Consider Using a Professional

Although our professional consultants take high quality photos of our own Members, we still encourage everyone to consider using a professional portrait. That’s because professionals have the kind of vision and equipment to help present the most attractive, authentic sides of you. A professional quality photo will guarantee picture perfect results.

Dress Your Personal Best

No need for a tux and tails, but be sure to look your best in your profile picture. Even if you’re shy, trying to look nice demonstrates a commitment to taking your love life seriously, so avoid wearing sweatshirts, caps, or torn trousers. Gents ought to be clean-shaven or have facial hair groomed, and ladies who wear makeup ought to avoid layering it on too thick. Appearing comfortable but conscientious will cause potential partners to look your way.

Show Personality

Part of standing out in a sea of photographs is showing off your personality. Try to smile and pose the way you would upon meeting a close friend. Don’t strain too hard to look classy, impressive, or alluring—just act naturally and take enough shots to give yourself options when it comes to choosing.

Happy Dating!

Dating Advice From the Heart

For some people, advice comes easy. We love our friends and family so wholly, that understanding their needs and best interests is intuitive. Considering their desires and fears, and understanding just how much they deserve, we listen to and support our loved ones with insight and empathy. So why is it, that even for naturally gifted helpers, taking one’s own advice is rarely instinctive?

Obviously, emotion takes its toll. Especially in matters of the heart, our head sometimes simply will not cooperate with our feelings. Dating is particularly tricky, because no two relationships are the same. The advice you offer a friend may not appropriately be applied to your own relationship, despite certain similarities. So in addition to heightened emotional stakes and a lack of objective distance, there is rarely a kind of cookie-cutter advice that will be useful in any dating situation.

So what do you do if you’re the one to whom your social circle turns for help? What of the times when you are in need of personalised, compassionate wisdom? Whether your relationship is new, or you’re experiencing new challenges in a comfortable relationship, keep in mind that there is one relationship in your life that will always remain consistent—the one you have with yourself. While you may not be able to turn off the swirling feelings and trying circumstances, you can still count on your own wisdom.

Ask yourself: What advice would I give to my sister? My father? My friend? Think through the process of giving good advice to others—what does the advisee feel, need, and deserve? Listen to your own feelings without judgement, and apply the same patience and concentration you would give to a friend in need. It may even help to write out the advice as if directed to a loved one. This way, you can look it over if you begin to feel lost or anxious again.

Of course, not all advice is born of pain. Relationships, more often than not, are fulfilling, satisfying, and challenging in a way that causes constant growth. Be sure to celebrate your personal happiness and victories with the same thoughtful enthusiasm.

Happy Dating!

Ask a Top MatchMaker: Who Pays?

I’ve just started my Membership with TopMatch and am excited to have my first introduction this upcoming week. It has been a rather long time since my last First Date, and I suspect the standards of etiquette have changed a bit. Does the gentleman still pay for dinner and drinks, or is it more modern to split the cheque each time? I want to make my date feel comfortable and respected.

Kind thanks,
S in London.

Great question! Many people are intimidated when they first emerge onto the dating scene after a long hiatus. The important thing to remember is that, while fads and fashions change, respect never goes out of style. If your actions stem from a place of mutual respect, you will rarely go wrong.

When it comes to footing the bill, it is almost always polite to at least offer to pay. While traditions often encouraged the male to pay every time, many people today prefer to split or trade off on paying cheques. Whatever your ideas about gender roles and dating, picking up the cheque is, in essence, a simple gesture of appreciation. Offering to pay shows appreciation for the company, so if your date prefers to pay, you must always be sure to express gratitude in your own way. Tell him or her that you really enjoyed the meal, and would be happy to pay on the next date. You may also offer to buy dessert or drinks as a show of thanks. At the very least, a simple and sincere ‘thank you’ ought to be enough.

If you should like to pay the bill, simply say so. “Please allow me to pay,” or “Dinner is on me,” will do nicely. Should your date offer to split the bill you should express appreciation, and say something like, “That is very kind of you, but not at all necessary. If you would really like, perhaps you can buy me a drink sometime?” This shows a progressive view of dating whilst also opening conversation about a second date.

So long as you avoid fighting someone on the issue, there shouldn’t be a problem. If your date insists on paying or splitting the cheque, do not make an argument out of it. Though it is not common, some people may feel patronised if not given the chance to pay their share. Regardless of your own views, always be prepared to pay for at least your portion of the bill and make value judgements later.

In short, be prepared to pay, be agreeable about splitting, and always say thank you. You’ll do just splendid!

Happy Dating!