Meet the Family

The holiday season is here, and for new couples that can mean the time may be prime for meeting the family. Above all else, forget any bad experiences from your past or that you’ve heard in horrifying recaps from mates. A positive attitude, a sweet smile, and the offering of a fine Merlot may be all you need to make a stellar first impression. But, in case it helps:

Be the bearer of good news and a great gift. Don’t gripe, moan, or wax critical in any way when meeting the parents. Be positive (but real), and smile with your eyes and mouth. Be thoughtful enough to bring a small gift that suits the family’s tastes (you can ask your partner for nice ideas), and be sure to do some research so you don’t end up, say, giving alcohol to a family that abstains from drinking.

Listen up. Ask questions to get to know your partner’s loved ones, and don’t use each conversation as an opportunity to talk about yourself. The most impressive people are good listeners who are confident enough not to boast.

Have an opinion. Avoid hot topics like politics and religion on this first meeting, but don’t be afraid to speak up and get candid. Chances are, the family will want to know you as much as you want to know them.

Dress how you want to be seen. Show respect by dressing smart, but do express your personality. Mostly mellow fellow? Try a sweater and slacks. Creative and crafty? Don a patterned blouse or tie with a solid skirt or trousers. Just don’t arrive in anything exceedingly provocative.

Treat it as an experience, not a pop quiz. Don’t agonise over making the perfect impression; just enjoy the evening. After all, it may be a glimpse into a blissful future as part of your perfect partner’s family.

Happy Dating and Happy Holidays!

Storybook Romance

Think using a matchmaker will leach the romance from your love life? My friend Marisol did. For years she insisted that, in spite of her oppressive workload and lack of leisure time, she’d find the man of her dreams when the Fates allowed. If Destiny ever intervened though, it did so disappointingly. Lukewarm lunch dates and one dinner invitation from her married accountant weren’t the fantastical love life Marisol had so vividly envisioned.

Because most of us have been brought up on the same myths of fairytale romance, we often assume that love and happiness are more entitlements than achievements. In reality, it is this kind of thinking that actually prevents us from finding that perfect partner. I tried explaining as much to Marisol over lunch six months ago.

“Marisol,” I said, “Let me ask you something. You’ve always been driven to excel in your work and as a result you have your dream job, right?” She nodded. “So why are you hesitant to be equally proactive in your love life?” As usual, she brought up the question of romance.

In truth, I never thought my friend would change her mind. If she wanted to wait on a sweeping storybook romance, I resolved to support her decision. Then, last weekend Marisol called with some news.

“He’s invited me round to his mum’s for Christmas!” Marisol had finally fallen in love. She explained that soon after our last chat, she decided that romance just wasn’t a strong enough reason to hold out any longer. Having decided that using a secure, professional introductions service was a rational solution to her loneliness, she abandoned the idea that real love had to happen like a fairy tale. Ironically, that’s when her once upon a time began.

Within a month, Marisol’s matchmaker proposed an introduction to a man named David. Seeing that they shared many interests, Marisol accepted and met David for dinner, only to find that he had actually been a former schoolmate of hers from university. Just as surprised as she, David told Marisol that he’d always fancied her back in school, but felt too intimidated to ask her for a date.

“It’s like a second chance,” Marisol told me. “He was always right there and I never knew how he felt.” Now that’s romantic!

Remember, Cinderella may have lived happily ever after, but she had to get herself to the ball first. Taking action is just plain practical, and it sometimes leads to great romance.

Just Another Face in the Crowd?

A new study reveals speed dating may bring judgement to a grinding halt

A new study out of the University of Edinburgh offers some unnerving insight into the world of speed dating. Apparently, when faced with an overwhelming number of potential partners, people often resort to flawed systems of judgement.

“In smaller groups . . . people trade off different qualities in prospective mates - physical attractiveness for intelligence, for example. Faced with too much choice, however, we resort to crude approaches such as choosing solely on looks.”

In fact, the researchers found that, “as the size of the group grew, the offers became skewed towards just a few individuals, while the least popular ended up with fewer or no offers.”

NewScientist has the whole story here

So, if this is true of speed dating events with groups between, say 10 and 30 people, one has to wonder what kind of cut-throat standards most of us rely on to scope out possible dates in crowded pubs, clubs, and even on the street. And for that matter, how many times do we end up asking out people who ultimately fall short of our expectations?

A nasty side effect of living on an increasingly crowded Earth is the fact that we can often feel like lonely strangers in herds of thousands. It’s no wonder people turn to events like speed dating to jump start their love lives. But why make the extra effort if you’re still going to end up as just another face in the crowd?

Handsome or plain, who wants to be sized up by looks alone? Such superficial standards are always a setback for real romance. Plus, more often than not, singles who harbour crystal clear images of their ideal mate are the same saps that end up falling for the wrong people over and over.

The right approach? Whatever feels real. If you want to be judged on the content of your character, judge others with the same standards. Avoid situations that make you feel like an item up for auction, and opt for any chance to engage in honest, one-on-one conversation. If you’re really ready to get serious about making that special connection, consider letting a TopMatch expert introduce you to the kind of sincere singles you’ve been looking for.

Ask a TopMatchmaker

I've been seeing this man for a bit - a month or so. Anyhow, he seems really hesitant to even call us 'dating.’ Is that rather odd? It seems to me that we are, in fact, dating and I'm wondering if this indicates a real fear of commitment on his part. We get along great, and he seems very keen on me . . . so what's the problem?
-Sarah, Sheffield

Well Sarah, it seems like you two may simply have different definitions of the term “dating.” Commitment looks a little different to every individual, and it’s my opinion that we do ourselves a great disservice in neglecting to recognise this.

For instance, I have a mate who recently encountered a very similar situation. She was dating a new man, and failing to get a read on his level of commitment to the relationship, she was nearly prepared to scrap the whole affair. Thankfully, she took the alternate route and chose to gently approach him on the issue. Turns out the bloke considered ‘dating’ to be synonymous with a long term, committed relationship. “Ah, well,” she stumbled, “I’m not sure I’m quite ready to call it that!” Whilst my friend enjoyed this gentleman’s company, she was merely hoping for him to admit a requited enthusiastic attraction. Consequently, they’ve since started dating exclusively.

Perhaps your gentleman is not of the exact same mind, but you must be open to the fact that even if your terminology isn’t congruent, your attraction very well might be. I suggest you enjoy the journey together and fret less over labels. Of course you know what you need in a relationship to be happy, so if you deem it best to lay all cards on the table, just be honest and understanding. It sounds to me like you two have a happy future in store.

Good luck and happy dating!

Need advice? Post your dating dilemmas in the comments of any post. We’re here to help you in every stage of your road to romance.

Top Five Reasons to Avoid Dating a Co-Worker

Today, more and more of us are expected to work longer and longer hours. How exhausting! With so little time to socialise, it can be difficult to meet new people. Still, there can be major consequences to dating a colleague, so if you’re single and starting to think that your only chance at love is in the office, think about this:

1. HR. Your company may or may not have stringent HR policies regarding inner-office relationships, but there are probably at least some pretty strong preferences about them. Many companies ask that you at least disclose office romances in writing, which can be awkward for everyone involved. Keeping it quiet can be tricky (management has eyes and ears everywhere and can easily access your company e-mail) and even a clandestine relationship can go public after a messy break up. If things ever go sour you may also end up contending with sexual harassment charges.

2. Professionalism. This gets especially tricky if you or your partner outranks the other. Prepare to be accused of leveraging your relationship or playing favourites. Even if there is no shift in your professional intentions, it’s difficult to keep your heart and head from influencing one another and even if you don’t cross any lines, people will still gossip. If you want to be seen as a focused professional, you’ll want to keep your love life off the clock.

3. Distraction. Being consumed by love is a priceless feeling, but in the workplace it can cost you a lot. If time is money than every moment you spend flirting in the break room or composing doting e-mails is a loss for you and your employer.

4. Private space. You may not see your office as a home away from home, but ultimately it’s a big part of your life. Having your own identity within that office is important, and for many people it is a place to prove personal strengths independently. Inner-office dating can sometimes inhibit individual professional growth.

5. Separation of job and personal life. Ideally, your perfect partner will listen to you vent about a hard day at the office and provide comfort when you are stressed. Having someone who can totally take your mind off of work and your professional duties makes each day a bit sweeter, but if your partner is also a colleague you’ll have a hard time ever mentally vacating the office.

If you’re serious about finding real love with no corporate strings, think about taking a proactive approach with TopMatch.

Happy Dating!