Ask a Top MatchMaker: Who Pays?

I’ve just started my Membership with TopMatch and am excited to have my first introduction this upcoming week. It has been a rather long time since my last First Date, and I suspect the standards of etiquette have changed a bit. Does the gentleman still pay for dinner and drinks, or is it more modern to split the cheque each time? I want to make my date feel comfortable and respected.

Kind thanks,
S in London.

Great question! Many people are intimidated when they first emerge onto the dating scene after a long hiatus. The important thing to remember is that, while fads and fashions change, respect never goes out of style. If your actions stem from a place of mutual respect, you will rarely go wrong.

When it comes to footing the bill, it is almost always polite to at least offer to pay. While traditions often encouraged the male to pay every time, many people today prefer to split or trade off on paying cheques. Whatever your ideas about gender roles and dating, picking up the cheque is, in essence, a simple gesture of appreciation. Offering to pay shows appreciation for the company, so if your date prefers to pay, you must always be sure to express gratitude in your own way. Tell him or her that you really enjoyed the meal, and would be happy to pay on the next date. You may also offer to buy dessert or drinks as a show of thanks. At the very least, a simple and sincere ‘thank you’ ought to be enough.

If you should like to pay the bill, simply say so. “Please allow me to pay,” or “Dinner is on me,” will do nicely. Should your date offer to split the bill you should express appreciation, and say something like, “That is very kind of you, but not at all necessary. If you would really like, perhaps you can buy me a drink sometime?” This shows a progressive view of dating whilst also opening conversation about a second date.

So long as you avoid fighting someone on the issue, there shouldn’t be a problem. If your date insists on paying or splitting the cheque, do not make an argument out of it. Though it is not common, some people may feel patronised if not given the chance to pay their share. Regardless of your own views, always be prepared to pay for at least your portion of the bill and make value judgements later.

In short, be prepared to pay, be agreeable about splitting, and always say thank you. You’ll do just splendid!

Happy Dating!